The Great Divide

It is disheartening that the word “compromise” no longer seems to exist in our American vernacular.  In my 60 years, I have never seen our nation more divided than it is right now.  From efforts to impeach the President, to the handling of a deadly pandemic, the citizens of the United States appear to be at odds with one another across the land.

COVID-19 has drawn a wedge even further into this divided nation.  Do you believe reports from the Center for Disease Control or the White House Administration?  Has China purposely created the virus to thin out their population and those of other countries, or was it dumb luck that the virus was nature-made and rapidly spread because of its makeup?

Racism has splintered our nation to extremes.  The Black Lives Matter movement has been countered with All Lives Matter.  Network news is perceived as a Democrat vs. Republican.  Social media platforms portray “I am right, you are wrong” comments and posts.

Neighbors are no longer neighborly.  At grocery stores, citizens are screaming at one another because they differ in opinion.

Violence on the streets, protests, killings, police brutality, disobedience of the law, dismissing of other’s rights, demonstrations of power and force, point the finger directly at the great divide our nation is facing today.

You can blame the left or the right, politics or rhetoric, the majority or the minority. Still, the bottom line is that no one is willing to sit at the table, embrace differences, and find standard solutions.
  
Wouldn’t it be nice to see the Democrats and Republicans work in a cooperative nature to heal the discourse of recent years?  What if the World Health Organization, the Center for Disease Control, the White House administration, and other countries from around the world came together to contain COVID-19, put forth all efforts to discover a vaccine, and share the credit once it was eradicated from the planet?  How nice would it be to see brothers and sisters of all races, colors, and creeds walk hand-in-hand rather than on opposite sides of the street?  What if courtesy and respect of one another became the norm once again?

This nation is better than we are right now.  We have demonstrated countless times over the centuries that we can work together for the common good.  We are talented, intelligent, and energetic.  There is no one individual, legislative body, organization, or group that can build a bridge of togetherness.  It is going to take all of us to respect our differences and work together to heal close the gap of our great divide.

A Common Man

Taking the Lead

Let’s face it, being a leader can be tough at times.  We manage employees, maintain budgets, provide reports to senior executives and board members, and make hard decisions that could have a ripple effect on the entire organization.  Especially during this tough time of uncertainty, we must lead in a calming manner that reassures those under our care that the business will survive and come out stronger in the end.

But what about you?  Who do you go to for advice when making tough decisions?  Do you have a senior that you report to?  Do you rely on the wisdom of a fellow leader that understands what you are up against?  Do you have a mentor or life coach that you can count on to help guide you during difficult times?  Do you have a partner that is willing to hear you out and provide their perspective?  As a leader, who is looking out for your well-being?  It’s a fair question to ask considering that you do the same for your employees.

In the tough times, or even when life is coasting along, as a leader it is imperative that you surround yourself with supporters and confidants that you can count on to be a stable source of guidance and advice.  For your own sake, you should not try to take on the world without knowing that someone else has your back.  You have the back of your employees, right?  Why should you not ensure that you have the same amount of support for yourself?

If you have not done so already, seek out others that understand the responsibilities that rest upon your shoulders every day.  Find a mentor or coach that can take the time to talk things out with you and provide some sage advice.  You are not alone, my friend.  There are other leaders just like you that understand what you are going through.  Just as you reassure your employees, feel rest assured that there is help out there for you as well.  Go out and find it, leader!

Where Beauty Can Be Found

A few weeks ago, I was attending service at my hometown church in New Mexico.  I was struck by so many different colors and hues as the sun shone through the stained-glass windows above the mantel and the fall leaf’s dropped off the trees in the outdoor garden nearby.

As I sat in silence listening to the church choir sing hymnals of my past, I began to realize that beauty is all around me.  I started to reflect on what other parts of my life display the kind of wonder that I was seeing inside that old church of mine.

I considered my family and all those that God has placed in my life, allowing me to be a part of something far greater than just my own existence; my blood family, my adopted family, and those that have helped shaped and influenced me.

I thought of my friends; those that have been such a huge part of my life – my classmates, teammates, shipmates, co-workers, close supporters near and far.  Those that have accepted me and loved me despite my faults, without judgment or scorn.

I pondered on all the places I’ve had the privilege of living and visiting throughout my life; from the great Southwest to the Pacific Norwest.  From my home-away-from-home state of Hawaii to the small village of Bucha, outside of Kyiv.  From Port-of-Prince, Haiti to the Great Wall of China.  God has blessed me immeasurably, allowing opportunities to travel to points near and far from home.

I contemplated elements immediately in front of me; my home life, my work life, my activities and interests.

In my reflection, I discovered that each part of my life holds beauty in some form or fashion.  There is beauty in the love that families share.  There is beauty in friendship and fellowship.  There is beauty in my own backyard and around the globe. There is beauty in the mere existence of my immediate surroundings.

I try to remain humble and thankful for the splendor that surrounds me each and every day.  Most times I take it for granted.  But when I have the opportunity to sit in the church I grew up in, see the sun display its’ brilliance and wonder in the windows nearby, and listen to the choir sing Halleluiahs, I cannot help but appreciate the beauty of my life.

A Common Man

The Ripple Effect

As men we tend to take on a lot, even when our time is already stretched and overburdened.  We worry about our jobs and a steady paycheck.  We worry about our spouses, kids and extended family members.  We worry about the team we’re coaching, or the classroom we’re leading, or the employees we supervise.  We worry about our friends, co-workers, neighbors and our community.  When it comes down to it, we give little thought about our own needs and concentrate on those around us and how best we can serve them.

We are peacemakers, problem solvers, fixers, repairers, and decision makers.  We do not take our responsibilities lightly.  When we see a fight, we step in to stop it or help resolve the issue.  When someone comes to us and asks our advice, we try to come up with the right solution.  We replace leaky faucets, we oil squeaky doors, we clean out gutters.  We determine if we can afford the new family car or take a family vacation.  We don’t work in a vacuum, we have our life partners to help us carry a great deal of these burdens, but as men we feel overall responsible for solutions and end results.

With responsibility comes decisions we must make every single day.  “How do I let Joe Employee go that’s not working out?”  “How will I discipline my son because he took his mom’s car without her permission?”  “How do I tell my best friend that he has a drinking problem?”  With every decision and action, there is always a ripple effect that follows.  As decision makers, we must always consider how our conclusions and actions are going to affect the immediate and those further outside the center of the circle.  Ripple effects can provide new direction for some, and disrupt life for others.

If we were to look at the ripple effect in a different light, we would notice that decisions we make not only affects those around us, it also touches us as well - all the way down to the bottom of pond.  The downward ripple effect tugs on our own emotions.  So, what do we do with that?  How do we deal with our feelings when we have to make a tough decision?  As men, it’s hard for us to ask for help and advice from others, but it’s important that we do so nonetheless.  Let’s not work in a void and feel as though it’s our problem and our problem alone to come up with solutions.  These are times when we must reach out and trust others around us with sound advice.  Take these moments to learn from one another and grow as men.  Recognize that the ripple effect of our decisions is going to have an affect both outward and inwardly.  Find men you can count on, and hear what they have to say about the ripple effects of their own decisions.  Let us travel those journey’s, both far and deep together.

A Common Man

I've Been Thinking of You, My Friend

I ran into a friend of mine the other day that I hadn’t seen in a long while.  I was taken by surprise when he came up to me, and I realized that I really missed him.  Thoughts came flooding back about all the things we had shared and experienced together years ago, from raising families to serving in the military at the same command.

Afterwards, I started thinking about all the guys in my life that in some way shaped me to be the man I am today.  I reflected on my high school and college buddies, my submarine brothers, my coaching compadres, the co-workers that I considered friends, and realized that I only reach out to them on rare occasions.

I had to ask myself why I don’t reach out any more than I do.  Is it that my life is so busy I don’t have time?  Is it that I simply don’t think of them very often?  Or is it something deeper, in that my independence prevents me for reaching out, checking in or asking for advice?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need those guys in my life.  I have always needed them.  For me personally, I need to seek them out again.  I need to reconnect, check in and see how their lives are going.  Where are they at in their careers? How is their family life?  What are their kids doing? Are they following in dad’s footsteps?  Even more importantly, I simply need to let them know that I’m thinking of them.

The reward will be immense for me, and perhaps for them as well.  Reconnecting with old friends will spark that kindred spirit that brought us together all those years ago.  I am a firm believer that when we come in contact with someone in which we share commonalities, it happens for a reason.  We are brought together from different geographic locations, different vocations and circumstances, but we stand together because we were meant to.

So I’ve assigned myself a mission.  I vow to reach out to one lost friend every month.  Find out how they are.  Ask if I can be of support in whatever they have going on in life.  Make an attempt to get together face-to-face as time and location allows.  Get back to where we were when we discovered that kindred spirit.  I plan to call up my best friend in high school, reach out to my college fraternity brother and teammate, check in with a shipmate I had the privilege of serving with, message the buddy that showed me the ropes of becoming a head baseball coach, send a note to the co-worker from years ago that I’d go to lunch with almost every day.

I’m putting you on notice, Scott.  Mike, I’m letting you know now.  I’m giving you a heads up, Mark.  Dan, I’m informing you. Stephen, I want you to hear this straight from me that I’m heading your way.  I’m going to poke and prod.  We’re going to share memories.  We will laugh, call each other names, make fun of one another or even shed a tear together, but we will reengage once again.  

It’s the least I can do; you were my friend then and you remain so today.

 

A Common Man

Unexpected Beauty

Life is predicable at times and full of wonder too.  It’s the unexpected privations that normally hit us the hardest. As long as we’re alive, there will always be pleasant surprises and unforeseen hardships that are simply a part of life.

 

Pleasant surprises are when you run into a friend you haven’t seen in a long time. finding $20 in a pair of pants you haven’t worn in a few weeks, buying a $1 scratch ticket and revealing that you just won $100, hitting a drive on a par 3 and seeing it roll into the cup for a hole-in-one, receiving a bonus at work that you had no idea was coming your way.  These are easy to live with.  In fact, we all wish pleasant surprises came our way ever day!

Unexpected hardships are tougher to deal with, however.  Getting word that your grandpa just passed away when you had spoken to him the previous evening, receiving a note from the company you work for that they are closing shop and laying off all the workers in two weeks, discovering that your child has a grave illness.  These unexpected moments are tough to take; they take an emotional toll on your mind, your heart, and your soul.

Pleasant surprises are something that we love to share with others.  It fun to let those close to us know about our recent fortune.  It’s harder, however, to talk to someone about tragedies that befall us.

Have you ever stopped to think that things may happen for a reason?  Good things that come our way can be perceived as something that we may be entitled to, or we’ve earned them because we’re good people – we stop to help an elderly person cross the street, we chase down someone that left their phone on top of the gas pump, we stop to help a family change a flat tire.  Why wouldn’t we feel entitled to some rewards that come our way, right?

But what about those times when hardships hit us when we least expect it.  We tend to fold inwardly, isolating ourselves from others – afraid that they may see our suffering and judge us somehow.  That’s where unexpected beauty steps in.  It’s those moments when you realize that you have someone to fall back on and help you through the challenges and difficulties of the unexpected adversity, when someone that you least expect is willing to talk you through it all with compassion and grace, when a person outside your immediate circle holds your hand and loves you unconditionally, where you’re allowed to shed tears, scream at the world and know that your emotions are safe with them.  That is unexpected beauty – a gift when you least expect or feel unworthy of it.

All of us from time-to-time will feel as if our whole world is crashing down around us.  When that happens be open to the unexpected beauty that will always be there when you need it the most.

A Common Man 

God's Children

Watching you grow in life is a blessing and a longing at the same time.  The blessings come from watching each of you become responsible adults, making smart choices, and contributing to the greater good of this world.  The longing is when we’re separated by miles, long car rides and airplane flights, not being able to pull you in close and reassure you that everything is going to be ok when the world comes crashing in around you.

Over the years, I’ve seen you handle sorrow with grace and pain with dignity.  I’ve watched from afar as you’ve tackled tough decisions and made the best of your circumstances. Each of you have expressed yourself from different platforms and pulpits, but always with a heart of fairness and equality.

To Scooterbutt, you have been a beacon of light in so many storms.  Wearing your heart on your sleeve, you always find positives in the dark and rays of sunshine amongst the clouds.  Your strength amazing me, but your determination to find the good amongst the evil sets you apart.  You are the rock of the family foundation.

To Jaybird, you are driven like no other.  You set your mind to do something, then let absolutely nothing get in the way of your goals.  You take life as it is; putting no behavioral expectations on anyone other than yourself.  You are loyal to a fault, and care for your own family with a warrior-like mentality.

To Gus, you embrace change.  You have always lived life on your own terms, but always with a respect for those around you.  You refuse to allow anyone to define you, yet you listen to other’s opinions and adapt to better yourself where it feels right to do so.  You are innocently unaware of your talents, but they are there and you will discover them during the right moments in your life.

To Mater, you are as independent as the day is long.  Even though you shy away from showing it, you have a heart of gold and a capacity to love far beyond measure.  You have a fiery passion that burns inside of you, seeking justice and truth for man and animal alike.  You are only now beginning to discover all the gifts you have, and your appetite for life will take you far.    

No one ever said life was going to be fair.  The amazing thing is that no matter what each of you have had to deal with, you’ve never faltered in your belief that you couldn’t overcome it, learn from it, and continue to grow despite it.

I don’t really feel that I have a right to call you MY children, because in fact you’ve always been God’s creation lent to me to raise.  What a gift each of you are to me.  To say I’m proud to be a part of your life is an understatement of great proportions.  Each of you are on you own now, but trust me when I tell you that you are just beginning to fly.  Soon enough you will soar in your own patterns and paths, hopefully crossing each other along the way.

A Common Dad

Courage is...

Opening your heart.

Accepting others just as they are.

Having faith in things you have no control over.

Looking beyond assumptions.

Sharing your fears.

Embracing your identity.

Giving in to someone else.

Listening without judging.

Admitting change is necessary.

Loving unconditionally.

Trusting in a higher power.

A Common Man

Amazing Grace

With all the rhetoric of late across this great nation of ours, I’m amazed at how we’ve transformed ourselves from a voice of grace and dignity to a tone of disrespect and insult.

Grace is defined in numerous ways:

“Simple elegance or refinement of movement”

“The free and unmerited favor of God”

“Disposition to or an act or instance of kindness”

What troubles me is that lately I haven’t seen much grace in alignment with these definitions.  What I see instead is just the opposite.

Antonyms of Grace include:

“Interference”

“Crudeness”

“Flaw”

Recent Facebook posts, tweets, and conversation go something like this:

“Our political system is defective.”

“There are too many obstacles to overcome because of the failure of others.”

“She’s inferior and ignorant.  She doesn’t belong there!”

What if we were to embrace the way we communicate to and about others with grace and dignity vice put-downs and insults?  What if our conversations across social media and face-to-face reflected something similar to the following:

“I may not agree with his stance, but I respect that he’s entitled to his opinion on the matter.”

“I appreciate that despite her struggle to answer the question, she did her best to remain composed during the heated debate.”

“Sure, we have problems, but collectively we have enough compassion for one another to overcome anything!”

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we took a more graceful approach to our discussions?  Think about the possibilities if as one nation, one world, we chose to embrace differences as opposed to ridiculing what we don’t agree with.

Let’s give grace a try, shall we?

A Common Man

Everyone's Got Their "Stuff"

Recently my character came into question over a decision I made several years ago.  It was the kind of formal accusation that stuck with me for quite a while afterwards.  Not surprisingly, the criticizer didn’t have all their facts straight and made the false assumption that my decision was of malice, and not one of thoughtful consideration.  As surprising as the allegation was I had to be honest with myself and ask the question, “Who have I ever falsely accused without knowing all the details?”

As humans, who are we to question the other’s decisions?  Do we really know the full story, or do we simply trust what we see or hear and somehow feel that our assumptions are accurate?  I’m no different than most, I’m guilty of creating opinions of others without knowing them or their circumstances.  We are all guilty of it, but we must remember that each of us have our own “stuff” that people are going to judge us on.

Take the homeless man that’s standing at the street corner with a sign asking for help.  Be honest, what pops into your mind when you see him?  “He’s too lazy to get a job!”  “He’s only going to use the money I give him to buy his next drink!”  Consider this, though, what if you learned that he recently lost his wife to cancer?  Her medical bills were too much and he lost everything.  He lost his job because his employer wasn’t sympathetic to his absences during her illness.  What about the obese lady in the drive-thru at McDonald's that’s a car ahead of you?  Do you think, “She, of all people, shouldn’t be eating fast food!  No wonder she’s so big!”  Did you know that her daughter was killed in a car accident a year ago? That the two of them use to go to McDonald's every Saturday afternoon to share an ice cream cone and talk about their week?  Did you consider that perhaps her drive-thru trip was her way of staying connected with her daughter?

Everyone has their “stuff.”  We all have things in our past that we regret, feel embarrassed about, are ashamed of, or wish we could take back.  Regardless, it’s our “stuff,” and we must find ways to deal with it.  The next time you make a snap judgment on someone you know nothing about, consider what “stuff” they may be dealing with and give them the benefit of the doubt.  Wouldn’t you ask the same of them?

As for my decision that recently came into question, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.  It’s because of the decision I made all those years ago that I’m in a much better place in my life.  As for the accuser that brought my character into question, I don’t wish them ill will.  I simply refuse to explain myself to them or anyone else that sides with their opinion of me.  I chose to remind myself that each of them have their own “stuff” they’re dealing with and they don’t need me adding to their burden or own guilt.

A Common Man        

A Different Kind of Christmas

This is a different kind of Christmas for me this year.  I can’t help but reflect on all the blessings I have in my life, and care little on what’s waiting for me under the tree to open on Christmas morning.  In fact, I find myself drawn to giving more so than I ever have in the past.

I’m not quite sure where the change has come from, to be honest.  I suppose I could chalk it up to my new position within a church setting.  I could, perhaps, reflect on all the changes my wife and I have encountered this year with a long distant move, becoming empty-nesters, realizing what it’s like to be grandparents, and so on.  I’d like to think, however, that the transition from recipient to giver is based on two factors: maturity and spiritual growth.

I turned 56 this year.  Normally I think of my age as just a number.  This year, however, 56 struck me as a number that now represents the second half of my life.  I no longer see myself as unbreakable.  I can begin to see the graying in my temples.  Staying fit and trim is a far greater challenge than it’s been in the past.  My mind is young, but the rest of my body is failing to cooperate.

Considering my age now, I’ve come to realize that I have everything I need.  Material items are less important to me.  In the past I allowed the rush of Christmas and the ads that came with it to influence my thinking that I needed the latest gadget, coolest running shoes, or newest truck accessory.  Not so much this season.  This Christmas I find that I’m far less attracted to the efforts of the big box stores vying for my attention.

Spiritually, the churning in my soul has pointed me towards giving.  I’m finding tremendous joy in buying for others.  I’m constantly looking for creative ways in which to share my love with those that surround me.  The gifts I seek for Christmas are no longer for me, they’re for those in my life that I wish to show devotion and gratitude.  The gifts I wish to give, go out to those far less fortunate than me; those without homes, clothing, food, or family.

This yearning is a flame that grows stronger as we get closer to Christmas.  There is an urgency within me to make sure I’m taking care of my family, friends, co-workers, and strangers.  In my own mind’s eye, Christmas day is no longer about the packages I see under the tree with my name on them.  No, this Christmas I envision those around me opening their own gifts and delighting in the thought that came with it.

My hope and prayer for all of you this season is one of blessings, good cheer, and fond reflection of this past year.  I pray that this will be a different kind of Christmas for you as well.

A Common Man

The Hope Box

In 2002 I presented a close colleague of mine a small token of my appreciation for our friendship in the form of a jewelry-sized Hope Box.  I placed a note in it and told him that no matter where our careers took us, I hoped that our friendship would never die.

Fast forward to 2016.  The Hope Box was long forgotten by me.  While in his office on a recent visit he placed it in front of me and asked if I remembered giving it to him all those years ago.  I honestly couldn’t recall the moment when I did, but the hand written note inside was definitely penned by me.  Below my note he wrote one of his own.  In so many words, he told me that he was thankful for our friendship and thanked God for all He’s done to keep us close over the years.

Back then, the Hope Box was nothing more to me than a show of gratitude to a man whose friendship I always cherished.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that the Hope Box and the note inside would one day symbolize that we would be working together again.

In 2002 I left my teaching job, for a trainer position with the federal government.  My friend was the building principal at the time of my departure.  He and I spoke often over the years, keeping track of our families, our ups and downs, and our shared interests.  Both of our careers progressed – he to California to serve as the superintendent of schools for a large, private Christian school, and me to Washington, DC as an deputy training director, then on to Texas and into the private sector as a process improvement engineer.

In 2012 my friend returned from California, accepting the position of superintendent for the same school we worked together at in 2002.  Over the next four years he and I spoke on several occasions about the possibility of me returning from Texas and coming to work for him again in some capacity or other.  Little did either of us know that in 2016 I would accept a position from the church organization that now partners full time with his school.  As in 2002, he and I will once again be working together side by side.

Throughout the years the Hope Box has come to mean far more than a simple gift and token of appreciation.  The Hope Box was a means that God used to keep my friend and I bonded.  I’d also like to that the It somehow had a part in bringing us back together in a working capacity.  The Hope Box has helped me realize that each of our lives run full circle. 

So, where is your “Hope Box?”  Trust me, I know it’s out there…..

A Common Man

If I'm Being Honest with Myself...

If I’m Being Honest with Myself….

If I’m being honest with myself, I’m probably half the man God wants me to be.  I don’t spend near as much time in the word as I should.  I let my work get in the way of my daily devotion and time with Him.

If I’m being honest with myself, I could have done a much better job as a father.  Too often I put my own interests ahead of theirs.  I spent more time on the baseball and football field then I did in my own backyard.

If I’m being honest with myself, I know that I could be a better husband than I am to a woman that is so deserving.  I fail to communicate at times, and my silence can be seen as a lack of interest or an unwillingness to share.

If I’m being honest with myself, I could certainly be a better brother to my sibling.  I reach out to him only sporadically, and don’t take the time to call him on the phone and ask about how he’s doing.

If I’m being honest with myself, I will forever feel the pain of having a falling out with my dad a few weeks prior to his unexpected death.  I will constantly replay our last conversation in my mind until I pass from this world.

If I’m being honest with myself, most of the time I look away when I’m at a stop light and the homeless man or woman is holding up a sign asking for my help.  I certainly have the means to help them, I just chose to not reach in my pocket and provide them with something that I take for granted.

If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t spend enough time learning more about the world I live in.  Instead, I find myself sheltered in the immediate around me.

If I’m being honest with myself, I could be a better friend to my friends – both near and far.  I chose to stay in touch with them through social media rather than pick up the phone or pen a personal letter.

If I’m being honest with myself, I spend too much time worrying about the small, petty things.  I fail to reflect on all the blessings I do have, and realize that my life isn’t so bad.

If I’m being honest with myself, I tend to not speak out when I see injustice in this world.  I read up on it, but I fail to take personal action and come up with concrete solutions.

If I’m being honest with myself, I know I’ll never be perfect.  I realize that perfection is never fully achievable in this life, but I’d be failing myself, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my colleagues and mankind if I didn’t at least try to be a better person each and every day.

A Common Man